xv: Dirty talk?

Now, most men don't need it, but most men like it when it's there, however, there is a limit to it. I mean any time you say either the word “poop” or “meat curtains” my Penis doesn't just shrivel up and go back inside: it literally cuts itself off with a strait edge and then hurls itself out of a speeding car window into a corn field! Which I have news for you young girls who just got so thrilled that yours got called that: having your lips called meat curtains is not really a good thing!

And yes, I capitalized Penis because that is his proper name! All these other names are all well and good and all, but seriously, we're all adults here. That thing that is the only reason why the civilization has existed for so long, that sits between my legs, that all men worry is adequate enough, that all women wish they could have, so much to the point that the fashion things that look like them so they can pretend to be like a man, even in deep African tribes that are controlled by women, the women use sticks and twine to make it look like they have 'em and take “wives” from the five to ten year old little girls in the tribe and try to copulate with them, and even Pink can't help but say “give me head” or “suck my dick”, that you (and many childish males) call all sorts of names and relate to objects, is a Penis. That's fine. It's a Penis, it penetrates, it elevates, alleviates, creates-life, it doesn't descriminate against BBW's or Grannies or lolis with huge racks, and it's mine. But it can be yours for about an hour and a half tomorrow night while it's inside you.

And last thing, do not, and I mean DO NOT bring up a guys mother or sister in a sexual situation during dirty talk, unless or course you've spoken about his family and he has said that for some reasons he thinks that sort of “All in the Family” thing is okay.

His brother is okay, as long as they like each other, and the scenario involves yourself, your guy and his brother in some sort of finger-cuffs situation, or a D.P. With tons of ass to mouth.

PS. You (in this make believe) would have to either, swallow the brother's load or shit it back out later. Because the vag is off limits to his brother.

Jam

xiv: Do I love you after three dates?

No F-N way! I didn't even know if I liked Doritos until I had them like 10 times!And guess what, I don't like them. Just be glad that I put up with you talking on the phone for ten minutes in the middle of our second date. But even that was because I knew I was getting some later. Don't tell me you “want just sex! None of that messy relationship stuff. Just have some fun for a while.” And then spring the “you haven't said you love me yet!” or “so when I'm I going to get to meet your family? Or at least become your girlfriend?” Don't bring that at me after the third, fourth, or even eighth time you've swallowed a couple million of my buddies! Because, that's what we started this as, you get off. I get off. We say goodnight and go our separate ways.

Oh, it “surprises” you that our “relationship” is based on sex? See that's funny, because I thought the only thing we had together was sex. We don't like the same things, we don't know the same people, we don't go to the same bars, we don't talk, I bought you dinner twice because you had worked late and I wanted a chipper bitch to F' not a bitch bitch to F'.

And now don't get it wrong that I hate you. Especially, not because I call you all kinds of horrible, awful, sick, disgusting and nasty names while you're doing all those nasty, awful, sick, horrid-good feeling things- that would kill your Grandma, and make your Mother pass out if they even thought you were doing half of what you were doing before I got my pants off! Those are just my way of letting you know that you're doing a good job.

And please remember, a guy would not say those things to the future mother of his child if he gave half an 'S' about you.

PS. I love ya babe,

Jam.

xiii: Nicknames?

Why? You have a name -a first and last name- you're called “Ali” even though that first name is “Alison” or “Dani”when your name is “Danielle”. That sounds good to me! What's the difference if I call you “Ali” or “Pookie”? The only difference is I feel like guy talking to my girlfriend when I say “Ali” I feel like a giant ass when I say “Pookie”. “Okay cutie, now spread those cheeks good and wide so I can sink nice and deep into that beautiful A**H***” of yours. Come on Ali-cat, nice and wide.” Sounds a lot better to me than “Now, bend over so I can poke you poopie Pookie.” Now that's just ridiculous! A good woman should be called by her name. And a good slut should be called (respectable?) names that I dare not repeat here.

Now, my brother ended up once using “nicknames” once, but see he got around having her call him “baby” ALL THE TIME by having her call him “Boo-Bay” and himself calling her “Boo-Bee” which I say “why not call a chesty woman booby?” It's better than when I was calling a chesty black girl I was hitting “Tootsie Tits” because she HATED it, and simply because I wanted her to stop calling me her “Cummy Bear”. Which I later decided I liked, but unfortunately not until after she had already decided she wanted a different man's honey in her pot (mouth!).

But seriously nicknames? Okay then how about you just call me DICK and I'll call you “MY LITTLE WHORE” No? Okay then how about we both drop it then?

I'm out like Ricky Martin bitches!

Jam

xii: Lying to trap a man!

Why? Why? Why? That's all I want to know. Why would you lie? You have a vagina, believe it or not there is a guy out there who is willing to get into it. And they're even willing to do all sorts of things that a guy doesn't want/like just to get a chance to get in.

So just be yourself, and I don't mean “yourself” as in a bitch, I mean enjoy the time spent. If the way you hooked your man was by giving out blowjobs like free samples of Chinese food at the mall, then keep passing them out, only this time to one guy. He'll be satisfied, he won't have enough sperm in his body to cheat on you; he'll keep spending time with you and he'll even stay with you at least until the sex dries up (which it always does) and at that point maybe if you've been together long enough he's grown to love you, or at least like you.

But please do not accuse him (or all men) of playing a game on you, because he left or cheated when the sex ran out. If the whole relationship was built on sex and now there isn't any sex, the relationship is over in his eyes.

And for God's sake no babies! DO NOT GET PREGNANT BY THAT MAN! Look we all know you're NOT going to be a good mother, there is no way in hell he's going to be anything other than a deadbeat dad.

So please, do not bring an innocent child into your mess.

Jam

xi: An so ladies, about this whole blowjob thing.

Ladies don't come to me with these blowjob moves you stole from a POV porno. I have a secret for you, most of what you see in blowjob porn doesn't feel good!

It's for show, it looks good on tape , but it isn't any good in reality. And most pornstars don't have a clue as to a blowjob. Especially, the hotter the worse the BJ. Case in point Brittney Skye. She is not my type, but I can see why many guys would be head over heels for her, even though she's awful. The only reason why some of the guys can even maintain an erection is because they took Viagra before hand.

And again to you chicks, why would just keeping your mouth open as wide as possible and slamming your face into a guy stomach feel good? The only thing happening is that occasionally your teeth scrape some skin off the penis.

Many men use the term “Suck” and that's a good description. Because sucking makes up about 50% of what feels good; 25% motion -ANY motion; and the missing part is TONGUE -if done right the tongue can over take the sucking as the best part. If you are going to steal some moves watch: Monica Sweetheart, Bianca Pureheart, and if you have a quick gag reflex watch Melanie Jagger. (If you have no gagfactor watch Ashley Blue) Plus “spit” or “slobber” is an important thing that gets over looked a lot. Also a lost art is the “dry blowjob” which Sharka Blue from Czech and Kyra from Hungary both of whom seem to be experts.

Well anyway, until next time.

Goodbye,

Jam